The Intelligence of Emotion

Last night, my two-year old daughter flailed on the floor of her bedroom, legs kicking, full on roaring. I had stated that our book reading for the night was concluded and it was now time to lay down in bed. "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!" And so it went for 20 minutes.

This morning, my five-year old daughter sat in her bedroom closet, halfway between undressed and dressed, tears streaming as she protested, "I don't want to go to kindergarten! I don't want to wear my uniform! I'm cold! I just want to go back to bed!"

As any parent can attest, guiding your children through their experience of strong emotions is a challenging undertaking.

Not that doing so with colleagues at work is any easier. Flailing about on the floor with screaming tears of rage may be less common in the office. That said, it can be all the more difficult to engage a colleague's emotional experience emerging through layers of historical workplace trauma, office politics, power dynamics and stifling organizational norms. The "outbursts" may be silent, but the negative behaviors may be all the more virulent and destructive.

"The central idea behind emotional regulation is to identify and modify the emotions you feel," writes Stephen Robbins and Timothy Judge (2018).

The approach of emotional regulation separates mind, body and emotion.  Intelligence is centered in the mind. The mind regulates body and emotion - or at least it "should."

"Our practice teaches us how to open to anger or any other strong feelings and not take immediate action. We learn to wait and see. And in this waiting we become deeply engaged with what is showing up," asserts Michael Stone (2011). 

In contrast, the approach of emotional processing integrates mind, body and emotion. Intelligence is distributed equally. Mind, body and emotion each provide a subjective way to know and understand the human experience.

The key difference between emotional regulation and emotional processing boils down to this question: Is emotion a source of irrationality to be managed  or is emotion a source of intelligence to be listened to?

Consider feeling angry.

In the view of emotional regulation, feeling angry is generally a negative thing. "Settle down. Don't do anything crazy!" Negative emotions should be managed or controlled in order to not derail the situation.

In the view of emotional processing, feeling angry is neither positive or negative. How we engage, learn from and respond to our experience of anger is what matters.

Many of us are accustomed to the idea of regulating our emotions. We "keep it together" and "stay calm and collected." We trust leaders who do the same. 

We are - perhaps - less accustomed to the idea of processing our emotions, especially in the context of the workplace. If we are angry, what does that look like? 

First, we take a deep breath, then recognize and sit with our anger without judgement. "This is how I feel. It is neither good nor bad." This opens us to a deeper, more reflective space, sometimes called the mindfulness gap.

Second, we listen to and discern the causes and effects of our anger. What is our anger revealing to us about our inner and outer experience? Perhaps we see our anger reflecting an inner need that is not being met. Perhaps we see our anger pointing out unhelpful habits, patterns and beliefs that we should evolve. Perhaps we see our anger clarifying our deep passion and a call to act. Perhaps we see our anger tuning us into petty grievances and annoyances that a part of us still clings to. 

In my view, the possibility of what we may learn through the intelligence of our emotion is infinite. Anger, hope, fear, satisfaction, security, joy, apathy...they all have something to teach us. There are neither positive nor negative emotions that must be regulated. Rather, there is intelligence to be discerned through a positive process of emotional engagement.

As a parent, I find it much more difficult to engage in emotional processing when I am exhausted at the end of the day and my toddler is throwing an inconsolable tantrum that even the most well-reasoned arguments cannot dissuade. Some days I inevitably resort to emotional regulation: "Stop. You just need to stop crying and get into bed. Stop." 

That doesn't usually work. 

So I pause, take a deep breath, and do my darndest to better discern the intelligence of our emotions. She is overtired so her ability to be flexible is overwhelmed. She wants to assert her growing independence over her behavior and her environment. She loves to be with her dad and just wants to read one more book together. 

Generating a little empathy and compassion, I strike a compromise. We keep the lights out but I tell her a story as we sit in the storytelling chair. She slowly calms down. Suddenly - as if a switch has flipped - she crawls out of the chair into her bed and pulls up her covers. "I wuv you daddy-troy. Goodnight!"

Funny how that works sometimes. 

Running on fumes, I crawl into my own bed and fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. Such is life. It has much to teach us. 


--
Robbins, S. P., & Judge, T. (2018). Essentials of organizational behavior. Hoboken, NJ: Pearson.

Stone, M. (2011). Awake in the world: Teachings from Yoga and Buddhism for living an engaged life. Boson, MA: Shambhala Publications.